Tannah's birth was supposed to be the most beautiful event- we were prepared with info, homeopathics, oils etc etc. I'd taken the best care of myself and Tannah- I was filled with that delicious anticipation of the last trimester.

At 36 weeks a lot of pre labour business started to happen- I wasn't worried- I always knew my baby girl would be early. Mentioned it to a midwife at the birth centre and was told to have monitoring etc done. The result was not in labour yet but low liquor (amniotic fluid) I was allowed to go home for 48 hours to see if she would make an appearance on her own.

I spent much of the time meditating- "it's time" I told her. Walks and sex were of course on the agenda too!! Went back was told I had to stay and be induced-devestation- and it was DH's first day at a new job- so while I was being examined my friend rang him- so while alone having an internal after being bullied down this road was told 2cm dialated-they just broke my waters-

I asked to wait for DH but they were annoyed and talked me into it. DH arrived I had been walking around trying to start things- I asked if we could wait 12 hours- again annoyance and then the fear tactics began- distress etc best for baby etc. I was afraid- At 5:30 pm the drip was put in(after a few attempts on the side of my wrist-v uncomfortable) Isaid "when will it start to work?" BANG My 1st contraction was 45 seconds long and had me doubled over-even a medwife commented that if it starts like this it will be rough. I was terrified. It only took 1 1/2 hours for them to be 1 min on 1 min off and intense.

I was hooked up to all sorts of machines which had me walking around in circles. Tannah had a scalp clip on because" the shape of my bump didn't give a good heart reading" A lovely midwfe came to check on us and realised that while the drip kept being turned up it actually needed to be turned off or we were both going too be distressed and exhausted! 3 hours in to my labour afted having a revolving (and often open) door of med and midwives, doctors, and trainees I needed to push. Not yet I was told you have to relax and breathe through it- yeah cause thats so easy! Here is where is gets awful-

Iwas told that I NEEDED drugs because I wasn't coping! (I thought I'd done pretty well to reject drugs at this point!) In the state I was in I gave in and had some pethedine- I was told the birth of our daughter was a while off and I needed to "cope". It did nothing for the pain but made me nearly unconsious- I was actually passing out in between contractions ans was needing to be supported by two people to even raise my head and they clicked thier fingers in my face when they talked to me. And guess what? Iwas "ready" to push- but I was finding it hard of course! I looked up and saw 2 midwives(the one I had in the last minutes was fantastic- but a shift cahanged 30 mins before I gave birth so I have no idea what her name is) a doctor, her trainee, a paediatrician and someone taking away dirty sheets- and of course DH.

Was told Tannah was distressed and my cervix lip needed to be pushed back which was so excruciating I was screaming and begging the doc to take her hand out- of course she didn't- even mid contraction- and this part is probably all mixed up- my recollection is a bit hazy. Tannah had a cut put in her sweet head to measure electrolytes- poor baby. Was told that she had turned and wasn't in a "good" position (had been anterior till now) and the doc had to do a caesarian so I should have her birthed by vacuum now in case she wasn't available later! And if it didn't work i'd have to have a caesar myself- I was terrified and did not want a caesar if I could help it- So I pushed with everything i had- I had to be phisically supported by people because I couldn't do it myself. They pulled so hard I thought her little head would come off- the doc had her foot up on the bed- and as they tore her from my body the force they were using actually pulled the skin from her head( she has an open wound the size of the palm of my hand for weeks after v sore and affected breastfeeding, sleeping and cuddling etc)

They cut her cord straight away and I got to hold my sweet baby- except I was so out of it I was scared I'd drop her- then she was whisked away for tests- she got 9 on both apgars so we were able to recover in the birth centre, I just wanted to go home. Tannah was wrapped up and no one told me about her head-I discovered her wound later (after stitches, shower etc-I was shell shocked) and was told it was"pretty standard" with vacuum extraction-was later told by cranial osteopath was among the worst she's seen.

I have had trouble dealing with the birth since it happened 10months ago but get the old healthy baby story- Healthy? she has never slept well, despite being ap is clingy and stll can feed up to 10 times a day if we are having a bad one. My emotional fuse is v short and find myself weepy and distressed after lack of sleep or any other little thing. We had feeding issues. I just couldn't believe that fast (only 4 hours), violent event was our birth. I saw my birth plan later and just cried- I felt like I let myself be bullied- they use fear tactics to get you to consent so it suits their scedule- I know there are worse things that happen- but it still felt wrong- people tell me how lucky I am to have such a quick birth- what a joke- I would have been in natural labour for days to avoid it- upset again now- when does it feel ok?