By Mum, Cimm Gurr

 

So everyone can understand just how elated I am at the home birth of Lahnekai I need to go through a quick review of my previous birth experiences.

With my first pregnancy I had this picture in my head of how it the birth was going to be. Little did I realise it was going to end up the exact opposite.

My waters broke at about 5am and I was so excited. Contraction started getting serious when we got to the hospital about an hour later. They were very strong and about 60 seconds apart, which I though was a bit full on. Having been told that I possibly had hours to go I started to wonder how I was going to manage the pain. After about 7 hours of lying on a bed having contractions every 60 seconds I asked for an epidural.

I had an exam at midday, which determined that I was at 8 cm. I only had 2 cm to go, and I started to get really excited. It all seemed to be going to plan. But at about 3.30 things started to go wrong. His heart rate dropped, and I was told that my baby was in foetal distress and a c-section was necessary. At 4.35 my baby boy was born, healthy, weighing 8 ½ lb. Although I was disappointed that I didn’t get to give birth to him naturally, I was happy that he was ok.

With my second pregnancy I knew I wanted to try for a VBAC. I found an OB who (I thought) was supportive of the idea, and I was excited about my next birth experience. I went for my 36 week check-up and was informed by my OB that my due date ‘clashed’ with a conference she was going to be attending in Melbourne. It was now that she started to mention the ‘big baby’ scenario. She’d never mentioned that idea before, so I was reasonably surprised.

A week later she had a feel of my tummy and declared that she was certain my baby was going to be about 10 lb, and that a c-section was the best avenue. I remember sitting in the chair opposite her watching her flick through her diary to find a ‘free spot’ when she could deliver my baby, just like we were making a dinner reservation. She seemed to be completely ignorant to the fact that I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. I was devastated, and barely able to hold back the tears. All she could say was, “How’s March the 12th for you?”

I remember walking out of her office feeling like I was about to vomit and she looked down at my feet and asked what size shoe I wore. After telling her I took a 7 (unsure why the hell she needed to know that) she said, “I thought so. You’re only little. A c-section is really our only option.” WTF? Not only had she just shattered my dream of having a vaginal birth, but she was justifying it because of the size of my feet.

I spent the next couple of weeks crying, completely terrified at the prospect of another c-section. March 12th we went to the hospital in the morning to have our baby girl. She was born healthy weighing 9 ½ lb. I felt ripped off. I felt like I’d been handed some random baby from the corner of the room. I felt completely shut out of her birth. I spent the next few months after her birth mourning the loss of my VBAC and wondering why I didn’t feel anything when I looked at her. It felt like a long time before I could really bond with her, and I still feel guilty about that.

I was determined the birth of our next baby was going to be a VBAC. I had a fight on my hands trying to find a supportive OB and hospital. After being told by one OB that trying for a VBA2C would certainly end in the death of me, my baby, or both, I decided to do some of my own research.

We finally found a hospital that was ‘willing to let me try’ for a VBA2C, although even they weren’t ecstatic at the idea.

Labour started at 3am with contractions coming strong every 7 minutes. After getting to the hospital thinking everything was going to be great we hit another brick wall. I was hooked up to an IV and a foetal monitor before I even got into the labour ward. I wasn’t allowed to have a shower or bath because they didn’t want to take the monitor off, and I could only walk around the perimeter of my bed, because that  was how far the cord stretched.

I got he urge to push about midday. They did an exam and said I was only at 4 cm. I was told they were going to ARM to ‘speed things up’. Well that didn’t work, did it? At 2 pm I was 6 cm and that was where I stayed until 4pm. That was when I was told that the baby was still very high and that a c-section was our best option. At 4.30 our baby girl was born healthy weighing 7 lb 2 oz. Feelings of failure were already starting to kick in and I was becoming afraid that I’d never get my ‘amazing’ birth.

When we decided to go for #4 we wanted to know if there was a chance at all of having a vaginal delivery. The thought of having another c-section terrified me, and I thought that if that was the only option I wasn’t sure whether I could do it. The emotional pain of going through more major surgery was too much for me to deal with, so our research into home birthing began.

After finding a doula (Heather Witt) who helped us in our research we went on to find a private midwife who was very encouraging and enthusiastic of our desire to have a home birth. We began to get really excited about the birth of our next baby girl.

Contractions started irregularly about a week before she was born. Although this was exhausting I knew it was my body’s way of getting ready. Lynda (my midwife) came to see me the Thursday before she was born. I asked her to do an exam because I thought things were happening. She found I was already 4-5 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. The baby was so low that Lynda could feel her head. Friday we had the Christmas concert for our two older kids, so I was hoping she’d hold off just one more day.

On Saturday December 1 – her due date – she decided it really was time to make her way into the world. At least it looked like the doctors had got something right.

I woke up feeling odd. I was uncomfortable, and felt like I needed to go to the toilet constantly. My husband was taking my son to his cricket game when I said, “You’d better keep you’re mobile on.”

Contractions were coming and going all morning but they didn’t seem too serious. Cameron and my son came home at 10.30 and we started to put up our Christmas tree. I was feeling very uncomfortable now and all I wanted to do was sit down. At 12.00 we were having lunch and I started to get heavy contractions. They were irregular, but very painful. I decided to call Heather (doula). She said that she was ready, and I should call her when they became regular.

That happened at 12.30. Very strong contractions now, and 2 minutes apart. I started to panic, because it seemed to be happening very, very quickly. I decided to stay in our bedroom until my Mum could come up and get our other kids, because I didn’t think it was a good idea for them to see me in pain. Cameron kept going in and out to check on the kids. I was just standing against our vanity trying to cope with each contraction. They were really intense.

Cameron phoned Lynda and Heather and I could hear the panic in his voice. I remember squeezing the tap on the sink so hard during a contraction that I was sure I was going to rip it out. I sat on the toilet, hoping that would take some of the pressure off. Nope. So I decided to stand again.

Lynda arrived about 2.30. I felt this sense of calm that she was here and that we weren’t going to have to deliver the baby on our own. I was feeling so much pressure with each contraction, and this incredible urge to push. Linda suggested I get back into the spa. Squatting in the spa and leaning over the side didn’t help much with the pain, but it was a lot more comfortable than standing.

Heather must have arrived at some point, though I don’t remember her coming in. I just remember holding Linda and Cameron’s hands, and then I looked up and I was holding Heather’s hand.

Each contraction was overwhelming and it was at this point that I really felt like I needed some drugs, just something to help with the pain. There were only two points during the labour that I felt like that, and this was one of them. Things were just progressing so fast and I felt like all I could do was moan and cry out with each contraction. All of a sudden a felt a pop, looked down and saw my waters had broken.

Now things really started to heat up. I thought I’d been experiencing the worst of it, but I soon realised that everything before this had been a warm up compared to what was coming. The urge to push was so strong that breathing through it just wasn’t an option. I started to push with each contraction.

It was here that I started to lose focus. I was feeling lost, overwhelmed and out of control. I remember looking at Cameron and wishing he could take it all away. Heather was trying to keep me focused, and encouraging me to rest between contractions. Linda checked the baby’s heartbeat and it was a bit low, so she suggested we should get out of the spa and lean over the bed.

Kneeling on the floor and leaning over the bed was more comfortable, and things continued to run along very quickly. With Heather in front of me and Cameron at my side I started to put all my energy into pushing. It was hurting so much I just wanted it all over. I was yelling with each contraction, but I couldn’t stop myself. I suppose it was my way of dealing with the pain. I pushed with each contraction and rested between.

Then she started to crown. That was the other point when I felt like I needed some drugs. The feeling will never leave me. It hurt so much to push at this stage, but the urge was so intense I couldn’t have stopped even if I’d wanted to. I remember looking at Cameron and wishing he could just scoop me up and make it all go away. I was so scared all I wanted to do was fall into his arms and feel safe and secure again.

Linda asked me if I wanted to feel the baby crowning, and although before that had been a wish of mine, when the opportunity came I wasn’t the least bit interested. All I wanted was to push her out so the pain would stop.

I remember Linda saying ‘Just a few more pushes and she’ll be out.’ I didn’t think I had anything left to give. The next push I felt her shoulder’s coming out, and then the next push and scream and she was lying on the floor in front of me, screaming. I was staring at her thinking, ‘Oh my God, I did it. I actually pushed her out without any intervention.’ I scooped her up and held her skin to skin, still amazed that I’d done it.

Later I sat on the bed holding our baby, in awe. Once the cord stopped pulsing, Cameron cut it, and with another three of four pushes the placenta was out. It was over; no tearing, no dramas, and no intervention.

Lahnekai Noa Gurr was born at home, weighing 6lb 12 oz, 49 cm long with a 33 cm head, APGARS of 9 & 9. She was birthed into a calm, loving environment with no bright lights, and no doctors. Just the support and encouragement of an amazing birthing team.

I learnt a few things from this experience. First and most importantly is how much I rely on the love and support of my husband. When I asked him what he was feeling at the birth he said he felt useless, like he couldn’t help me. Little does he know that holding his hand was the one thing that made me feel safe. Whenever I started to feel out of control I squeezed his hand tighter. Knowing he would squeeze my hand back was my one saviour.

Secondly it’s how much I doubt myself. Going through this taught me that rolling over just isn’t an option. Get up and fight for what you want. Believing in yourself  is a very powerful tool.

Thirdly I have four beautiful, amazing, healthy angels and I will never take them for granted. I thank the universe for them and although not all the births were drama free, I am one of the lucky women who are blessed to be able to have children.

I hope that the home birth of Lahnekai after 3 c-sections gives some hope to other Mums-to-be who are wanting a vaginal birth after multiple c-sections. If I had any advice to give to other woman wanting a homebirth after c-sections it would be to make an informed choice. Do your homework, knowledge is power. Find that ‘Birthing Team’ that will support and encourage you. Block out the negative feedback from others, remember the negativity from others is about their fears. Trust in your decision and most importantly believe in yourself and your body.

The End – and the beginning.

Cimm Gurr

Mum to:

Korrigan – 7 years (emergency C-Section)

Makani – 5 years (elective C-Section)

Alamaya – 2 ½ years (VBAC attempt ending in C-Section)

Lahnekai – 12 weeks (Homebirth)