by Rachel Parkinson

I can remember those days when April was around 4 months old and refusing to feed. It was hot. I was a new mum, worrying a lot about my baby and how she fed and slept. I spoke to different ABA counselors about breast refusal and got lots of great ideas to encourage April to feed. I just begged her to keep going to 9 months at least so we could go straight onto solid. I so wanted to feed her until 2 or more, but took it day by day, step by step.

Now here we are well past 3 and a half and I am weaning her, at what I would call ‘our pace’. It’s Ok for her, and it’s OK for me – most of the time. That ‘day by day’ has stretched out in to years. Now I am a mother of two, and have a lot less time to worry.

When April was 13 months old I became pregnant with our second child. There was no apparent problem with my milk supply. In fact, in the early weeks of pregnancy there was actually an increase, to the point of me having a blocked duct. I was totally willing to demand feed, but April didn’t ask that often (about 2-3) times a day. I also fed her on demand at night, but often she slept through.

During the later weeks of the pregnancy she got down to feeding only every few days. I was desperately sad as I felt I had taken away her milk to some extent and had robbed her of the opportunity to feed up to age 2. I really encouraged her to feed at least once a day, but sometimes she didn’t want to.

Our second daughter Ivy was born when April was 22 months old. At the time I thought that April would be well and truly finished with breastfeeding by age 3, without too much help from me. I had always thought that natural weaning was a wonderful thing and really wanted to give her the chance to wean at her own pace.

April had other ideas. When the milk came in for the new baby she demanded a breastfeed more and more. It became difficult to manage as Ivy had reflux and fed almost constantly for comfort. My big girl thought she would like to do the same.

I had to let go of my thoughts that she would be weaned by 3 as it was obvious that that was not going to happen. As she approached 3 however I chose to limit the feeds to 3 a day, with the odd 4th one sneaking in on particularly bad days. We went with morning, before sleep, after sleep, and bed time. It took a while to get this across to April, and it was very hard to say no to her, but once we got it organized, I was more able to cope with her demands to breastfeed by responding with when the next ‘set time’ would be. It was also a time where I could try to focus solely on her as my days were so busy with two little ones. It was nice to sit down with her and hold her and just be with her.

I tried at times to let a feed go, but it was obvious when she was not ready. She would resist and keep asking for a breastfeed. When she was ready she took it quite well, especially if I offered something special like a home made icy-pole or special smoothie. As she became older I was able to substitute other yummy things for breastfeeds, but there certainly was a time when this would have been totally unacceptable too her!  I had to keep checking in and see if she was ready. I also used other tricks like offering to read a favorite book or play with her.

From the 3-4 feeds we went down to 3 only, then to 2 (morning and evening). It was difficult as I had always soothed any hurt with a breastfeed, so I really had to look for other ways to do that. I felt I was able to reason with her a bit more too (at times!) and explain that little babies need lots of milk and that big girls only have milk sometimes. At the same time I was careful to introduce some things that ‘only big girls’ can do (like using the sharp scissors with mum) to promote the fact that it was good to be big! Also starting Kinder has been a great ‘big girls only’ activity.

Tandem feeding and weaning has been a real challenge as I am constantly ‘getting them out’ but they are not for her. I have used lots of talking about smaller babies needing lots of milk, and this has helped. That said though, we have had our share of jealousy issues and I can’t help feeling that it must be really hard for April. I can only go by how she copes when I refuse her, and usually she is fine.

The latest feed to go has been the before bed feed, which we substituted for what we call ‘last drink’. As part of the bed time routine we begin with ‘last drink’ which is a drink of her choice. This is followed straight away by cleaning teeth and a last trip to the toilet. Then we head off to bed. The first night I tried she thought it sounded great, but then said ‘Mum, we forgot to have milk!’ When I told her that we now have last drink instead, and will have milk in the morning she was bemused. “Oh, right” she said, but agreed. How sweet. Obviously she was ready.

Little Ivy thrived, and even though she lost a lot of milk due to her vomiting, there was never an issue with her growth and development. Having to share both mummy and her milk never seemed to be a problem for her either as it is what she has always been used to. Even now at almost two she says ‘Your turn’ to April. By feeding April to more of a schedule, I was able to allow Ivy to demand feed and always know there was plenty of milk there for her. I always only fed April from one side, and as I was trying to encourage her to wean, I gave her the ‘least full’ breast, so always left the fuller one for Ivy.

Here we are now at the present day. April is 3 and 7 months and I guess I hope now to have her weaned by 4. But who knows, I may have to shift the goal posts again!  We have our one feed in the morning when we get up, and that is truly enjoyed by her. I recently tried to delay or put off that feed and she was right on top of my efforts to distract her, and very upset, so we will leave it for a while. WE have a holiday coming up with lots of exciting things planned so this may be a good time to change to rhythm of our day,

We have been in the process of weaning now since April was about 2 and a half, so more than a year, and who knows how much longer that will go on.  Sometimes I find it quite frustrating that she has taken so long to wean, and have to really focus on why I am weaning and parenting this way. It can be confronting to have a strong willed three year old demanding milk and yelling at you. Fortunately I have come to recognize that this is also a sign of tiredness and try to manage it as best I can by speeding up the bed time routine, or having some type of ‘quiet time’ if it is during the day.  When I am focused, I try to treasure each feed as it may be the last. I have told April that when she finishes having milk we will have a big party to celebrate and I hope to buy her a special mother and child pendant to mark or breastfeeding time together.

April has taught me so much about breastfeeding and nurturing, and I thank her for that.

Through it all the ABA has been a source of information, inspiration, friendship and support.