We found out about a local labyrinth at a convent
through our Birthing From Within class & we walked it
together as a family after our third class. (That was
the day I decided I wanted my mom to be at our HB,
LOL, in case I need to send Liam away for a while!)

So I felt this strong need to walk the labyrinth again
yesterday & did so by myself this time. If you're not
familiar with the practice of walking a labyrinth,
going in is all about shedding...fears, attachments,
worries or whatever. The center is a place to ask for
guidance, chant, pray, whatever. And the path out of
the labyrinth is about action for change. Well, I
started BAWLING almost immediately upon entering the
labyrinth. I was crying so hard at one point that I
thought I would have to stop walking. I let go of
EVERYTHING- my hopes for a homebirth, my hopes for a
vaginal birth period; I accepted that there are no
guarantees & that I may even have to have a repeat
C-section. I even considered the possibility that my
baby or I, or both of us, could die. This may sound
crazy but the hardest thing to let go of was the
thought of having a homebirth. After planning for it
for so long- with all the soul-searching & dreaming &
creating & arranging & clearing space & visualizing to
make it happen- it's just so hard to imagine anything
else. But somehow I let go of that & everything until,
by the time I reached the center of the labyrinth, I
felt like an empty shell without any direction.

I sat on a tree stump in the center for a very long
time, & I didn't even notice that there was an older
woman walking the labyrinth until I opened my eyes &
there she was sitting across from me. For a minute I
thought I was imagining her but she was very real (&
very quiet!). I nodded to acknowledge her presence &
went back to my previous state of deep meditation,
rocking & sobbing on that tree stump, eyes closed.

I asked & asked & asked for answers, clarity,
guidance, help...but I felt & heard nothing at all
except for the wind in my hair & the sound of wooden
windchimes in a nearby tree. In my hand was a pod-like
thing that I had picked up on my way to the labyrinth.
I tried to pry it open with my nails but it was way
too hard to cut open without a knife. I realized this
was a parallel for not knowing the contents of my womb
exactly, & not being able to look inside. What would I
do with the pod? Would I rush home with a knife to
dissect it? No, I wouldn't. But then, I couldn't put
it down either. I needed to hold it, to have it, to
rub it in between my fingers as I meditated. It ended
up in my bra & fell out later that night as I was
getting undressed for bed. :>)

At some point, I don't know how long later, I was all
cried out & felt some peace just from the emotional
release. I didn't have any answers, but I did feel as
if it was time to get up & leave. To act. To move. So
I slowly began to make my way back out of the
labyrinth. As I was walking my path out, a group of
about eight people was coming in. One by one, I passed
them all, which required one or both of us to move to
the edge of the path. I politely made as much room on
the narrow path as a woman who is 39 weeks pregnant
can make. I was touched by the manners of the eldest
male in the group who stepped aside & stood still to
allow me to pass by freely. I had a strong reaction to
his politeness- it's amazing how such a small but
powerful gesture can make a person feel as if they
matter. I nodded & smiled. A young man on crutches
said, "I'm sorry," as he fumbled past me, to which I
replied, "You're okay," breaking my vow of silence in
the labyrinth to reassure him. At first, I found
myself annoyed by the interruption in what I needed to
be a solitary experience, but then I realized that I
was happy that others knew about the labyrinth & were
sharing the experience that has the ability to change
our world. (Really, it does!!)

The priceless gift that I received from walking the
labyrinth this time was a renewed ability to trust in
my own gut feelings & thoughts- especially the
thoughts that won't go away, those ones that keep me
up at night. When I got home, I talked with my husband
about my walk & everything that I let go of- I shared
with him that the only regret I have is not getting
"shadow care", as adamant as I have been about not
needing it- but I also decided to sleep on it before
making any decisions. Then this morning- after first
taking some time for "sink reflections" (deep thoughts
while doing the dishes)- I made an appointment to get
an ultrasound on Thursday to determine the baby's
position & rule out placenta previa. This OB does
VBAC's & will do a version if that is what I want & if
it is safe to do so. He also happens to be THE ONLY
ONE who takes our insurance & delivers at the hospital
I would want to deliver at if the baby is breech at
the onset of labor & our MW won't attend our HB. I'm
simply growing less & less comfortable with our
previously vague Plan B to just "transfer to the
hospital if needed". I don't want to take the risk of
ending up with some sadistic SOB who wants to inflict
pain on me for planning a HB or otherwise punish our
family with his/her power.

I would appreciate being kept in your prayers & daily
thought until this birth happens- however it happens,
wherever it happens, with whoever in attendance! I'm
trying very hard to stay open to whatever needs to
happen for my baby & I to have a safe transition.

Thank you all for your overwhelming support & all of
your experience, strength & hope. I continue to read
all of your messages though I'm finding myself less &
less able to respond. I suppose it's natural to be
turning inward at this point & I think that's just
what I'm doing. I'm sitting on my very big egg. :>)

BTW, if you're not familiar with the spiritual
significance of the labyrinth, it's really something.
I've learned a lot about labor & birth already from
both the experience of walking one & also the mere
symbolism of the labyrinth itself. I've learned that a
labyrinth (labor) is not a maze- there are no dead
ends or tricks. There are some illusions here & there-
sometimes the center (birth) appears to be much closer
&/or much farther than it really is- but each loop or
spiral definitely brings one closer to the center, &
the path back out of the labyrinth is the same as the
one in. The other thing that I learned yesterday is
that I prefer to walk the labyrinth with loved ones-
even if they are distracting from "my" spiritual path-
than to walk it all by myself.

~Jessa, 39 weeks pregnant with a topsy-turvy baby