Remembering your birth today.

I have no feeling down there,
Where they cut you out of me.
I sit and remember in a moment of peace,
How the joy of childbirth was not for me.

How I took too long, and you weren’t laying right,
How they would cut me open in the middle of the night.
I was so tired, I couldn’t argue then.
Im so tired now, so I just sit in silence.

Silence.

He thought I was dying you know, your dad.
He thought that you might not survive.
He didn’t know what to do so he listened to them,
It broke both of us, when they cut you out.

They didn’t care at all that I was in so much pain,
Just push the button for more drugs they would say.
I couldn’t bathe you or hold you without someones help,
I was meant to be your mummy, but I couldn’t do anything.
I was so hopeless back then, with my cut up tummy,
I was so hopeless and weak, not a very good mummy.

Im angry now as the pain starts to swelter, it tears at my heart.
Its burning and making my stomach churn like Im on fire.
It shouldn’t have happened, they should have left me alone,
Why did they intrude on my sacred time, my sacred place.

They did so much damage and didn’t help at all after,
Why was I left alone with a baby that I couldn’t feed or bathe?
It was all my fault of course, I just needed to “relax” into it.
Idiots, thoughtless, mindless stupid bloody idiots!

My mind is yelling and my hand is a fist, I want to hit something now.
Im soooo angry….that no one cares and no one understands…
“just be happy your baby is healthy” they say….
Well isn’t that the least that I should expect after they cut me open like that.

My eyes are stinging, I hate it, the angry tears...my heart is going to explode.
Im so angry the flames of hate are licking at my heart, my throat is a lump.
The anger burns and burns, the tears fall, and then there is nothing left.

Ive cried all my tears, and there is nothing left of my heart, nothing but cold ash.
I wipe the tears away…Im tired again…and my heart is left empty.
Nothing…again…its cold and feels nothing.

Like where they cut you out of me,
Im numb and feel nothing.

But wait…there you are…peeking around the corner, chocolate eyes of mischief!
And a spark warms my heart…there he is cheeky boy….spying on me.
You pounce with a giggle “hello mummy” and a big warm hug.
My heart is warm, it rises up out of the ashes and I feel deliciously happy again.
Healing energy, healing light wrapping itself around my heart like a mist.
I smile…I think I have enough energy for one more game of hidey chasey….

I feel nothing down there where they cut you out…..
But it doesn’t matter now today….all I feel is endless love for you.

Happy Birthday Dillon

Kristi
xx